A Day in the Life of Santa

Santa looks exhausted

by Nancy Thomas

Wake up at 5am to the smell of sugar plums, candy canes and chocolate chip cookies baking. Have a cold shower with peppermint soap and don't shave. Apply pine-scented deodorant. Put on red furry pants, white undershirt, red furry coat trimmed with white, thick socks and black shiny boots and a red furry hat with white trim and tassel. Head to the kitchen for the usual milk and cookies. Remove boots and go back through house and wipe up tracks of reindeer manure. Listen to Mrs. Claus yell at you for the 467th time about wearing your boots in the house. Put boots outside door. Have warm chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of milk. Check beard for crumbs and make an appointment to have your cholesterol checked. Stand in front of the mirror and convince yourself you are not a fictional character. Ask Mrs. Claus to put another notch in your belt while you're at the workshop.

Go to the workshop. Open and read mail from kids for five hours. When you wake up, wipe drool from Little Suzie's letter and look up in your humongous book to see whether the kids are naughty or nice. Remind the electronics elf to build you a computer with a good database program. Threaten him that if he can't do it he may have to find a job at Future Shop.

Go back home for lunch of more cookies and more milk. After the nausea passes, throw some carrots out for the reindeer. After a quick trip to the north pole nurse, make a note to have Rudolph castrated and check his blinking nose.

Limp back to the workshop. Check on the elves. Tell them if they greet you by singing "Here Comes Santa Claus" one more time you'll show them that candy canes can become a weapon. Tell the lazy elves to sew the teddy bears button eyes on well because you don't want any kids getting freaked out again this year. Put a marketing and innovation team together to design new toys and to make sure your image is still positive. Assign a couple of the annoying elves to manure duty at the reindeer stable. Don't warn them about Rudolph. Give them carrots to bring.

Go home and have supper. Have Mrs. Claus give you the heimlich manoeuvre after retching and nearly choking on tonight's cookies. Start looking up information on having gastric bypass surgery. Put on belt with added notch.

Head back to the workshop. Check on the sleigh. Have the elves polish it again and have that electronics elf install a cd player and record a disc with constant playback of "Ho Ho Ho. . .Merry Christmas." Check your toy bag for any holes. Ditch raggedy bag and get one of those large suitcases on wheels. Make a note that the elves are just way too hyper and to replace the sugar plums with some apples. On second thought, they're above on the production charts so make a note to add more sugar to the sugar plums. Order more pointy shoes.

Go back home and give Mrs. Claus a kiss goodnight. Check your fireplace to make sure no strange fat man is coming down as a prank. If there is. . . light the fire. Get ready for bed; brush your teeth for a while, and get into your red flannel pyjamas and red fuzzy slippers. Remember not to snap yourself in the face with your suspenders. Have sweet dreams of warm climates, bright blue spandex suits and iced tea. Try not to think about the fact that it's December 26 and you've got 364 more days just like this one ahead of you.

Merry Christmas and to all a goodnight.