This Month At Dontmindme.com - December 2001

by Marko Peric

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? I can't speak for anyone else, but I've tried to do something of a seasonal theme for Stuff this month, but it's not easy to come up with a pranks or chemical elements that seem appropriate for Christmas.

Song of the Month: This one might be a bit tough to find. It's not on any album, but I managed to download it off the net without too much difficulty. It's a song from Saturday Night Live called as best as I can tell "Christmas Coming To the USA." It's a silly little ditty that is best appreciated live, but it's worth a download and a listen.

Album of the Month: Normally when I say album of the month, what I really mean is CD of the month. Not this time. This month I'm featuring an actual vinyl album. You remember albums, they were black, 12" across, and usually have words like Abba or Led Zeppelin on them. The album in question is the original Blue Christmas by the one and only Elvis. You don't want the album of the same name on CD released in '92, it's not nearly as good. This is a classic Christmas album, if you find it in a vintage music shop, buy it.

Chemical Element of the Month: This precious metal has captured man's imagination for millennia. Extremely ductile and malleable and among the heaviest of the elements, it is also one of the most valuable. I speak of gold, of course, mainly because it's the only chemical element that I can easily relate to Christmas (both because people generally associate it with the season, and because it was one of the three gifts of the Magi).

Fun Fact of the Month: The "Three Kings" we all associate with the Christmas story were nothing of the sort. There were most likely more than three, it has just been assumed there were three because of the three different gifts. And far from being kings, they were most likely Zoroastrian priests from Parthia, in what is now Iran.

Fun Link of the Month: This isn't remotely seasonal, but it's one of the funniest pages I've ever seen. And best of all, it's all true. The site is Engrish.com, and it features a plethora of examples of mangled English from Asia, mostly Japan. If you've heard about the Ginsu knives that come with the instructions "Keep out of children" then you should know that this site features stuff far more absurd than that, but all real. I laughed and laughed, and you will too, I trust.

Useful Link of the Month: Need a URL? There are more people selling .com names these days than, well, there are a lot, okay? I couldn't come up with a good companion. I'm sorry. Anyway, the best place I've found to buy a URL is Dotster. Good prices, easy to use interface, and they provide DNS services at no extra charge, which if you know what that means, you'll appreciate it.

Quote of the Month: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho." — Hans Gruber reading a message on a T-shirt in Die Hard.

Prank of the Month: I had a terrible time coming up with a good Christmas related prank. I have some good post-Christmas ones, but nothing great for Christmas itself. So I'm putting up a new Practical Jokes feature instead. And here's a not so great seasonal prank. When the victim is away from home for at least an hour or two, pull down the outside Christmas lights and get unto his roof and spell out something. Loser strikes me as a good, easily spelled choice. It helps if there's some snow on the roof so the lights won't be visible until turned on. A few obvious points on this, do it during the day time when the lights will be off, and hopefully there won't be any neighbours home to call the police on you. And you'll want at least two people to pull this one off, and a ladder.

Joke of the Month: I should put a little warning in front of this joke, I found it funny, but not everyone will. Be warned.
People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top of the Christmas tree. Well, it seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night, had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

DVD of the Month: This has been a week of questionable things. First there's was the Kevin Spacey feature, now I'm going to pick a Christmas movie. But if you know me and this site at all, you should know that I'm not going to feature a traditional holiday movie. No It's a Wonderful Life or The Sound of Music (although I've never understood why the latter is considered a Christmas movie). No, the DVD of the Month is Die Hard. You're probably thinking "Okay, Marko has finally lost it," but Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie. It takes place at Christmas, and there are enough Christmas references for it to qualify. And the special edition DVD that came out in July has a raft of great extra features, including outtakes, commentaries, and the full screenplay. There's an entire disc of extra stuff, which is always a good thing if you ask me.