Academy Awards Speed Ratings

by Marko Peric

I don't think this really needs a lot of explanation. I'm going to do a speedy good/bad/ugly rating of the 2001 Academy Awards. That way it will be up within two hours of the awards being over, if anyone happens to be up reading my site at 3 am. Also, I don't feel like doing detailed analysis at this hour.

The International Space Station opening: Too Gimmicky. Bad.

Steve Martin's violence/Gladiator joke: That was funny. Good.

Steve Martin's jibes on Russell Crowe: Good.

Russell Crowe's Reaction: Notice he was never on stage with Martin. Probably Steve was scared of him. I know I would be. Bad.

Steve Martin's comments on Penelope Cruz: Well, it was true, but that was nasty. Ugly.

Why did they keep showing Willem Dafoe? He didn't win, he wasn't expected to win. And was that Sean Penn sitting behind him? Bad.

The Cell got a nomination? That's really bad.

Hey, that looks like Keanu Reeves in twenty years: The guy who worked on make up for How the Grinch Stole Christmas. He really does look like an older Keanu. And he had a cool coat. Good. Kudos to Brian for pointing this out.

Wow, the documentary winners are really skinny: Ugly.

Michelle Yeoh's dress: Is that a crouching tiger pattern? Good.

Renee Zellweger's dress: It looks like a yellow curtain. And why did she get to go and party with the technical nerds? Bad.

Goldie Hawn: Dizzy blonde or was she stoned? Bad.

Bjork's dress: That's not a dress, it's a swan. Ugly.

Juliette Binoche's pearls: That's a lot of pearls. And why are they on her arm? Ugly.

Jennifer Lopez's dress: Nice dress, but I think you forgot something when you were getting dressed J-Lo. Not satisfied with the attention you got with that green dress? Bad.

Bob Dylan's enunciation: Yes, he's Bob Dylan. He's one of the best songwriters to ever live. But he couldn't speak clearly to save his life. Bad.

Danny Devito in sunglasses: You aren't Corey Hart Mr. Devito. And I know the show is long, but did you really need to snack? Ugly.

Russell Crowe looking for his acceptance speech: Very funny if you caught it. Good.

Kevin Spacey's tux story: I wonder how much it would cost to have Judi Dench deliver me a pizza at 3 am? Good.

Steven Soderberg winning best director for Traffic. Considering how many nominations his films had, it was good to see him win. And what a great speech. Good.

Gladiator winning best picture. Was it the best picture? Maybe, maybe not. But the Academy has always loved epics, especially Roman ones. And Gladiator was a great movie. Good.