Bears

by Marko Peric

It's not that I have anything against bears, per se. In fact, I have a Coke bear mouse pad. And I grew up liking Winnie the Pooh, before he got commercialized to the hilt and it was all about Tigger, but that's another rant. It's just that I'm not sure I understand the North American public's fascination with bears.

What fascination, you ask? I'll tell you. Apart from the aforementioned Winnie the Pooh and the ever so cute Coke bears, there's Care Bears, the Berenstein Bears, Paddington Bear (well, he's more British), Yogi Bear, the Chicago Bears, and I'm sure lots of others I missed. Last but not least, there's the ubiquitous Teddy Bear.

So people like bears. So what, you ask. Bears are cute, cuddly, fuzzy creatures. They steal picnic baskets from park rangers. They drink Coca-Cola. They wear ill-fitting red shirts, hang out with tigers and small pigs, and live in trees under the name of Sanders. Why shouldn't people like them?

Here's the thing. There's probably no creature you are more likely to encounter in North America that is more likely to decide to kill you, and no creature that is more capable of doing it (we're talking outside of urban areas here. There are creatures of an entirely different sort in most major cities quite willing and able to kill you and take your wallet). Sure, an alligator is quite willing an able to kill you, but there just aren't many places you are likely to encounter one if you don't live in or near Florida, Alabama or Louisiana. And yes, a mountain lion can kill you, but they are getting rare, and they aren't usually too aggressive toward humans. Not that I'd want to be locked in an elevator with one, mind you.

So why do we think bears are cute and cuddly? Sure, the babies might be kind of cute, but they grow up to be seven foot long omnivores with four inch claws. An adult grizzly is capable of running about as fast as a horse. Not a thoroughbred race horse, mind you, but that's still a whole lot faster than you can run, even if you should be a world class sprinter. I'm assuming most of the people reading this page aren't. This is a creature that could tear you limb from limb in a matter of seconds.

As for the oh-so-sweet Coca-Cola polar bears, there are few creature on the planet more dangerous to humans. Sure, I realize that you aren't too likely to encounter one outside of a zoo unless you travel to the high arctic. You aren't all that likely to encounter a tiger shark or a coral snake either. But in the arctic, food can be in somewhat short supply. And when I say somewhat short supply, I mean Cabbage Patch Kids/Tickle-Me-Elmo/Furby short supply. Scarce. That seal in the one commercial wouldn't play with the bears. It would swim for its life. If you encountered a polar bear, it wouldn't be likely to be lounging on an ice flow drinking a coke. If it was at all hungry, which is distinctly possible, it would run you down, kill you, and eat you. You'd want nothing smaller than a .303 to bring it down.

Am I the only one that thinks teaching kids that bears are cute, entertaining, and make nice, plush, bedtime companions a bad idea? Don't get me wrong, I don't think bears are evil or need to be exterminated. I just think we should have a healthy respect for them. I don't see that happening any time in the near future, not while children's entertainment continues to feature them so prominently.

The again, I don't think sitting the kids down to watch The Edge is a terribly good idea, either.

Oh, gotta go, there's a When Animals Attack special on Fox. Maybe we'll see some campers being mauled by grizzlies.