2006 Academy Awards Speed Rating

In what's become a tradition here at Dontmindme.com, it's time for the annual speed rating of the Academy Awards. No in-depth analysis, just quick reactions and comments. I'm not going to say who said what, because there's just too much to go through. Hold on for the ride.

Opening montage: Remember when computer animation was cool and edgy, and not just Bad?

The search for a host: So even the movie phone guy is on the list before Jon Stewart. That was a Good segment.

Jon's monologue: A few duds, but most Good jokes. And no bleeps required.

George Clooney: His reaction to Jon's joke at his expense (first laughter, then consternation) was hilarious. Good.

Bjork getting shot by Dick Cheney: That dress will always be funny. Good.

Hollywood is debauched: It's hardly news to anyone. Not having a punchline is Bad.

Gay Westerns montage: Ah, the power of clever and Good editing.

George Clooney wins Best Supporting Actor: George was due, and with the win out of the way, he got to make fun of himself all night. Good.

Tom Hanks on long speeches: Fun bit, especially the assault with the viola, but that was some Ugly long hair on Hanks.

Ben Stiller in a green unitard: The funniest part was that you could see him waiting on stage in the background during the acceptance speech. Bad.

Nick Park wins for Wallace and Gromit: Bow ties for Oscar? That was awesome. Good.

Dolly Parton: Dolly is 60, and she got the audience clapping, but she looks like a top heavy anorexic botoxed plastic surgery train wreck.Ugly.

Jon's Scientology joke: That tanked Badly.

Chicken Little presents an award: Okay, funny joke about ducks without pants, but this was like the only way anyone was ever going to watch Chicken Little. Bad.

Biographies montage: Meh. Bad.

Will Farrell and Steve Carrell in makeup: They looked so bad it was Good.

Rachel McAdams and the technical awards: So she parties with the nerds this year. I guess she must be so hot right now. Good for her.

Rachel Weisz wins for Best Supporting Actress: Hey, sooner or later someone from The Mummy was going to win an Oscar. Good for her.

Film Noir montage: Well, the theme tonight looks a tad noiresque, but so what? Bad.

Fake best actress commercials: Okay, those were really funny. I don't want to get into a fight with Judi Dench. Good.

Charlize Theron's dress: What was with that huge Ugly bow?

March of the Penguins wins Best Documentary: And they each bring a toy penguin up on stage. That's hilarious. Good.

Song from Crash: Nice song, but a burning car on stage is a Bad idea.

Sandra Bullock's hair: What, did she take a nap after getting her hair done, or wear a toque, or something? Ugly.

Samuel L. Jackson: He looks kinda like a walrus these days. Ugly.

Winner for Best Score: Dedicates his win to "All the latinos." All of them? In the world? Isn't that like 500 million people? Okay, I guess, but if someone dedicated an award to "all the white people," the reaction would be pretty Bad.

Epics montage: So apparently The Fifth Element is an epic now. Huh. Bad.

Jon's joke about montages: Yes, there were way too many. Good joke.

Robert Altman's Honorary Oscar: I feel Bad because I've never watched one of his movies.

"It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp": First the performance, then the win. Nothing against hip hop, but something is horribly wrong with the world. Bad.

Sound Editing fake commercial: Pretty funny, but not as Good as the ones for Best Actress.

Jennifer Garner almost trips: So she plays a butt-kicking super spy on TV, but high heels are apparently her nemesis. Bad.

Jon messes up Zhang Ziyi's name: Okay, so it's not an easy name to pronounce, but still, that's pretty Bad.

Philip Seymour Hoffman wins Best Actor: It's Good to see him recognized by the Academy.

Reese Witherspoon wins Best Actress: Wow, that was unexpected, especially by Reese. She genuinely looked surprised. Surprises are Good.

Uma Thurman's hair: Apparently her and Sandra Bullock use the same Bad hairdresser.

Ang Lee wins Best Director: Not really a surprise, but he goes and makes a joke at the expense of his own movie. Tacky and Bad.

Jack Nicholson presents Best Picture: Can anyone tell me why he was sitting next to Keira Knightley? Of course, Jack always has a really Good seat.

Crash wins Best Picture: What an upset. It's a Good thing when the underdog wins.

They cut off the acceptance speech for Best Picture: Yes, there's a timer, but it's the last speech of the evening, and the biggest award. That's an Ugly way to end the night.