Mocking the Headlines, Volume II

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by Marko Peric

We tried this on the site a long while ago, but it never really seemed to catch on. But this week there have been enough readily mockable headlines that it just seemed a shame to let the opportunity slip away. This is not the freshest or most original idea, but it's hopefully good for a few laughs. Enjoy.

Nasa plans return to Moon by 2020 (BBC World) — Nasa administrator Dr Michael Griffin said four astronauts would be sent in a new space vehicle, in a project that would cost $104bn.

Boldly spending 100 billion dollars to go where a dozen guys have gone before.

Psychopaths could be best financial traders? (Reuters) — A team of U.S. scientists has found the emotionally impaired are more willing to gamble for high stakes and that people with brain damage may make good financial decisions.

This probably isn't news to anyone who's had to deal with a full service brokerage firm.

Albertans to get $400 each from surplus: Klein (CTV.ca) — Premier Ralph Klein announced Tuesday that each Albertan will receive a $400 cheque from the oil-rich province's unbudgeted surplus, generated by soaring energy prices.

I know this sounds very unfair for the rest of us, but keep in mind that to be eligible, one has to actually live in Alberta.

Down's syndrome recreated in mice (BBC World) — Scientists have been able to introduce most of a human chromosome into mice - and create the most successful recreation of Down's syndrome so far.

The scientists point out that although breeding mice with congenital defects seems like a waste of research money, at least they didn't go with option B, which was creating a breed of super mice that one day will rule us all.

Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher wed: reports (Reuters) — Actors Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married on Saturday, capping their celebrated two-year-long older woman, younger man relationship, two celebrity magazines reported on Sunday.

Bruce Willis remains convinced that this is all a sham and that sooner or later Ashton is going to yell "Dude, I'm married to your ex-wife, you are so punk'd!"

Pakistan Says Bin Laden Is Isolated (AP) — Osama bin Laden is hiding out with a small core of mainly Arab supporters, and the al-Qaida leader now only sends messages by courier because his communications network has been destroyed, senior Pakistani military and intelligence officials said Sunday. There have been no fresh clues to bin Laden's whereabouts, but he generally is believed to be in the border region between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

Okay, we've all looked at the maps, it's really not that big of an area, and he's been there for like four years now. Time to make a big line of soldiers and march through the area — any 6' 5" dudes wearing a turban and yelling "Death to America" get shot.

Robots to Face Off for $2M Pentagon Prize (AP) — Wanted by the Pentagon: A muscular, outdoorsy specimen. Must be intelligent and, above all, self-driven. When 20 hulking robotic vehicles face off next month in a rugged race across the Nevada desert, the winning machine (if any crosses the finish line) will blend the latest technological bling and the most smarts.

Forget the super mice — the robot overlords are already here.