How to Mess With People, Volume II

If you're a regular reader of this site, you should know how much we like pranks. Not that we pull all that many pranks, really, but just the plotting of a brilliant practical joke can be highly entertaining. Sometimes, though, a prank isn't exactly what the situation calls for. Sometimes you just want to mess with people. When that's the case, you might want to try out one of these suggestions.

A quick disclaimer: Dontmindme.com does not suggest that you carry out any of these activities. Any trouble you might get into from doing any of the following is your own fault.

Be the fashion police: Any mall or supermarket should provide ample marks for this one, but if your target area has a dollar store, then it's perfect. This one requires boldness and some fashion sense. You'll need to be dressed up nicely to pull it off, a suit and tie would be ideal. Having at least two people dressed similarly will help significantly. You don't see that many people walking around malls in suits, so two or three people dressed up will add to the impression. What is key is that you have to look good. Not just okay, but really good. It is essential to project an image of fashion and style.

In case you haven't figured out what comes next, basically you cruise the mall looking for people who are dressed really terribly, and you give them written warnings. Carry a small top-fliping note pad and a black pen. You want this to look professional. When you see someone who is a walking fashion violation, write the ticket in advance, then politely stop them and hand it to them. Then just walk away.
Now, it's important to write up these warnings correctly. Don't be cruel, and don't be overly harsh. Don't write a note that says "You look like crap, you loser." That's just mean.

Play Detective: Did you watch Magnum P.I. when you were growing up? For that matter, do you watch it in syndication now? If not, well, maybe you watched Spencer for Hire, or Hunter, or Simon & Simon, or some other detective show. Anyway, if you've ever watched a detective show and thought "Hey, that would be a cool job," well, here's your chance to be a detective.

Maybe that's the wrong choice of words. You can't actually be a detective, not without training and a private investigator licence and such. But you can pretend to be one, and that's almost as good. You can do this very quickly and easily by following someone around at Walmart. But not just following — following like a detective would follow.

This is not all that complicated to do. Choose a target, preferably someone who is not going to be moving fast. Pick someone with a shopping cart, they can't move as quickly and are likely picking up more than one or two items. Maintain a safe distance, maybe 50 feet or so, behind the target, and just keep them in sight at all times. Don't make it too obvious. Be sure to browse as you follow, so you look to be shopping. Having a cart or basket with you, probably with a few items in it, will make this much easier. And don't just grab random items, or multiples of the same item — no one goes shopping for 12 air fresheners and a kilo of shelled peanuts. Pick up things that you might actually buy. Whatever you do, don't stare at your mark. That makes you look like some sort of psycho. Just follow. If the victim notices you, act nonchalant. If the victim accuses you of following them, act like they're being crazy or paranoid. After all, you're just shopping, right?

Dude Looks Like a Lady: The last time we did How to Mess with People, we featured a piece of completely over-the-top mayhem about traumatizing hitchhikers. Well, this time our completely over-the-top mayhem may not have the potential to wreak the same degree of lasting emotional havoc, but it plays to a much, much wider audience. It requires a fair amount of preparation. First, you need a willing actor. And by willing, we're talking willing to dress up in drag. Yes, this calls for some cross dressing. It also requires a willingness to be stared at by many, many people, and possibly be taunted and mocked. As well, this has the potential to offend both the visually impaired and your local transvestite community. Ah, who are we kidding, this may offend a lot more people than that.

Once you have your willing actor, it's really quite simple. You dress him up in drag, give him a white cane and dark sunglasses, and take him to the mall. A visit to the food court will probably get enough gawkers to make this one worthwhile. Let's face it, in most cities you don't get all that many cross dressers wandering around malls, and you don't get any blind ones. People will have no idea what to make of this spectacle, but they'll all be wondering if the 'blind' guy knows that he's dressed up like a lady or not. Odds are that on one will be willing to ask, though.

This will only work if your actor can really pull off a convincing visually impaired act. It's not going to be easy to do, especially in heels, which are an essential, but easily overlooked, part of effective cross dressing. You will probably want to have a wingman or three close by in case something goes horribly wrong. You never know how groups of teenagers in malls might react to stuff, so you may want to execute this during school hours.