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29 Ways to End a Conversation

Monster truck

by Nancy Thomas

Crazy people. They're everywhere, and it seems that they like talking to me. A lot. I'm minding my own business at some public place, and I run into someone that I know, or someone that thinks they know me, or perhaps just a very talkative stranger, and I find myself trapped in a conversation with a person I'd rather not be conversing with at this time. But soon that will all change. I'll just bring up one or more of these 29 ways to end a conversation, and bid that crazy person goodbye.

  1. I think your brain is hemorrhaging.
  2. I'd like you to meet my spouse and first cousin. . .
  3. I like to wear turtles.
  4. My other personality, Bill, thinks you're boring.
  5. I have a goat farm in my living room.
  6. Sometimes I eat sand.
  7. I'm a part-time sniper.
  8. You didn't just touch me did you?
  9. I think your inner self is screaming to be a ballerina (Most effective when directed to to a rather large male).
  10. Do you like batteries?
  11. I've noticed that your blinds are pretty thin.
  12. I'm a big fan of toilet seats.
  13. Can I have your fax number? I'm addicted to fax machines.
  14. You should really fire your plastic surgeon, that's awful.
  15. So where do you live? Oh really, I'll check that out. . .
  16. Can I please smell your garbage?
  17. The colour blue makes me crazy.
  18. I like to avoid people with a less than average IQ — excuse me.
  19. Post it notes are the enemy.
  20. There's something very suspicious about your shoes. . .
  21. So, do you like to fart?
  22. No need to come any closer, I can see your craziness from here.
  23. I think I'm allergic to something you're wearing, maybe it's your belt, I'm not really sure. . .
  24. In the middle of a conversation shout: Control-Alt-Delete. Sorry, I had to reboot my brain.
  25. I have a craving for legal size paper.
  26. Excuse me, but can you spare some pudding?
  27. I'm sure they told me that humans were smart.
  28. I'm not sure what day it is, but, you're not very funny.
  29. Keep your eyes open for monster trucks — they're everywhere.

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