B-Ball and Rod Black

Hey hoops fans, welcome to the First Union Center for tonight's matchup between a real basketball announcer, and CTV's Rod Black. Rod Black is a face and voice that we all know thanks to any of several sporting events and television shows he has been on TV for. Rod Black is the Troy McLure of sports broadcasting. There is nothing he has not been in. He announces everything from gymnastics to Formula-1 racing when it's in town, and he announces all of these sporting events very poorly. Rod Black is Canada's version of Bill Wellington, except Rod Black has never played basketball, let alone does he know a single thing about basketball.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" you might be saying to yourself. "So the guy is a little overworked! Cut him some slack!"

In response to your statement, I say you would be wrong to say that. He does not deserve slack. He is killing basketball. I actually think that there is a link between Rod Black's announcing, and Vince Carter's bad knee, the Blue Jays dropping off of the map, and Sale and Pelletier's controversy (the latter because he probably saw it on TV at home, and made some unintelligent comment about their routine). It is true that CTV apparently has adopted the "In Rod We Trust" attitude to sports broadcasting, but for what reason is still unknown. This middle aged, greasy-haired half-wit has surely ruined many a sporting event for even the average sports fan, doomed to watching events on CTV. It is a shame that those who have only country cable to lean on must listen to the pointless jabbering of a cosmetic sound-making pylon when attempting to enjoy the world of athletic endeavor.

Even though Rod's incredible futility spans every sport, Canada AM, and every topic on earth, I have to focus on basketball, because he alone totally ruins any chance of enjoyment derived from watching my favorite team make a run for the playoffs.

Rod Black uses words in his announcing that other people use, yet he somehow is able to misuse them so badly that he sends the mind reeling so badly that you actually forget the highlight he is commenting on. There was one time where Vince Carter went up for a 360 slam, and the next thing I know it's three hours later, and I am waking up with a pounding headache and all that is going through my mind is Rod Black screaming "Vince goes up for a swirly dunk!" which I heard just before it caused me to black out for a few hours. That is an example of his "Blackisms" as I call them. Stupid sayings, and the misusing of words at the wrong time.

"He shoots he scores!" (Forget which sport we were announcing today, did we Rod?) "He puts up a rainbow shot." (My heavens man! They are not hippies out there! Slap yourself across the wrist, and start over.)

Then there's the general overuse/misuse of the word 'desperate' and its derivatives. Despite what Rod might say, after three minutes of the first quarter the Raptors are most likely not showing any signs of desperation.

I mean, I would actually rather listen to a runway fashion model than this guy. That would probably end up bringing more intelligence and knowledge about athletics, because even a runway model is considered an athlete when compared to Rod Black. His credentials for play by play commentating are limited to being able to watch things move, and talk about them if you give him a teleprompter. Now, it is only fair to mention that he is not alone. Jay Triano is the only one on the CTV crew that actually has any right at all to make a comment on the sport of basketball, because he is a good coach. The rest of them are generally useless.

Just yesterday Rod Black ruined a special basketball game for me. The Raptors were in Philly, especially exciting for me to watch because I have actually played in that facility in the 'City of Brotherly Love', and because the Raps are fighting for a playoff spot.

So I settled down to an NBA game and some good personal memories, but before I could get anything from the experience, Rod Black came on the air, spreading more of his thoughts that make basketball less fun, and the average person stupider. So thanks go out to you Rod. Thanks a lot. Another afternoon down the drain. Please, please, please stop being an announcer of basketball. Keep baseball, and keep figure skating, just please, please, please stay away from basketball! Thank you.

Sorry if you are reading this Rod and you are upset by it. Don't mind me, I guess I just had to get that off of my chest.