We all find ourselves in situations where comment is required. Sometimes the perfect response comes immediately to mind. Sometimes times the perfect response comes seven hours later, when it's far too late to be of any use. Sometimes an adequate answer comes quickly enough, but all too often not even that will do and you're left mumbling something lame and incoherent.
And then there are those times when exactly the wrong response is the first thing on your lips. And even if it's accurate, or hilarious, or both, it's probably not worth the blowback. Or the backpedalling. Here are a few examples of what not to say.
"You can cut the Honey Bunches of Oats with Corn Flakes to make the full two cups. Coke dealers do it all the time."
"Well, that depends on how you define. . ."
"Do you have any idea how many geese you could fit in the trunk of your car?"
"The trimmer attachment for my electric razor did a really good job on my sideburns. That's good to know if I decide someday I want to shave my head."
"Ah, Febreze; the more you use it, the more you love it. And the more you want to use it. Just like heroin."
"You know, if you shot Barney the Dinosaur, I'll bet his blood would look like blueberry yogurt."
"My fondest memory of junior high? Probably the time I threw a kid over a desk.
"And the good news is that I'm completely out of urine."
"It actually doesn't take all that much force to break someone's collarbone."
"Good morning, officer, yes, I know how fast I was going, but it was only because I'm hypoglycemic and I really need to eat some sugary food soon. Can you direct me to the nearest doughnut shop?"
"Do you look fat? Compared to what?"
"I've just realized that these are not my pants."